


The Sass Battle of Javert & Enjolras

by thepeopletoomustrise



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, crackfill, les miserables kink meme, ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:37:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepeopletoomustrise/pseuds/thepeopletoomustrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I’m a damn martyr, bitch!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sass Battle of Javert & Enjolras

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for a prompt on the kink meme. 
> 
> Setting: somewhere in heaven
> 
> Totally for fun ok

Enjolras watched with intent as he faced the infamous Inspector Javert. The wretched man had been a spy to their barricade and had most likely spilled God-knows-how much information to his little band of policemen, and now the revolutionary leader finally had his chance to face him. To give him what he deserved.

 

They stood face to face in the Heaven Musain, Enjolras gripping his flag and Javert holding tightly to his hat. But now, it was just the two, and it was time to determine not only who was on the right side of the cause; but also who was _really_ the sassiest leader, once and for all.

 

“At last, we can settle this childish disagreement,” Javert purred, fitting his hat comfortably back onto his head.

 

“You’re alone, Inspector. It’s just you and me. There is no National Guard here to protect you and your precious little hat.”

 

“At least my state-of-the-art police force knows how to pronounce my name. Yours, on the other hand… refresh my memory. Enroljas? Enjoljas? Angel-ass?”

                                                                                                                              

“My name is _not_ Enroljas,” he sneered with clear annoyance, “it is Enjolras. I am a leader of the _people,_ unlike you, who works as a sorry messenger for your oppressive government of which I am trying to destroy with the assistance of my people.”

 

“People? What people? The only thing you command is your army of furniture.”

 

Enjolras rolled his eyes, “That’s a _barricade,_ asshole!”

 

“The only barricade here is the one preventing that ogling drunk from getting in your pants,” Javert said, “I am the law, and the law knows everything about everyone, including your socially-awkward friends.”

 

“That’s just Marius. At least I have friends,” the blonde snapped.

 

“As do I!”

 

“Who? The Stars?”

 

Javert felt his face bloom into a dark shade of red, “Damn you. I am the law, and the law is not mocked!”

 

Enjolras put his hand on his hips and snickered; he rose his voice to one of a clearly mocking tone and repeated, “ _I am the law, and the law is not mocked! Blah blah blah!”_  

 

“At least I don’t get mistaken for a woman!” Javert cried, shaking his head in frustration. “Or have hair that looks like fucking Rapunzel!”

 

“It’s a vibrant shade of blonde, you imbecile! That, right there, is the kind of sexism that will one day surely ruin society!”

 

 Javert grit his teeth, growling to the young man, “Don’t speak of sexism when you know nothing of _sex_ itself! Virgin!”

 

“How dare you. You know what? I may be a virgin, but no one cares about your lonely soul.”

 

“Cry me a river!” Javert shouted, throwing his hands into the air as a sign of exasperation.

 

“Like the one you’ll drown in?”

 

Javert gave him the nastiest glare he’d possibly ever seen. “You know nothing of the world! You’re nothing but a rich young man, while I… _I_ was from the gutter and chose my way! The way of righteousness! The way of the law!”

 

“The what? The _Lawr?_ ”

 

“The Law!”

 

“Lawr? What on earth is a Lawr?”

 

“ _Law!”_ cried Javert. “Fuck you, _Enroljas._ Oh, wait, nobody will.”

 

“It’s always about the damn virginity, isn’t it?” he said, and he shook his head angrily. “We strive towards a _larger_ goal! That is the whole point of this revolution!”

 

“The so-called revolution is nothing but a group of schoolboys guided by a blonde man who is obsessed with a red flag.”

 

“I’d rather be obsessed with a red flag than a convict.”

 

Javert stared at him incredulously, “Bitch, he’s _my_ criminal to chase. Mind your own damn business; this isn’t about him!”

 

“What are you going to do about it? Swear to the stars?” he snapped proudly, snickering under his breath. “Oh, I’m so scared. I’m shaking!”

 

“Am I stirring the blood in your veins? Oh, I forgot; only the drunkard can do that!”

 

Enjolras was fuming. He stared at the Inspector with hatred flaming in his eyes and didn’t say anything.

 

“That’s right, Pretty Boy.”

 

“Shut the _Hell_ up and listen to the _damn_ people sing!” Enjolras shouted, red-faced and shaking.

 

“Some will fall and some will live, eh? Too bad _everyone_ fucking fell, except for Socially Awkward with the blonde girlfriend who happens to look strikingly like you!”

 

Enjolras gritted his teeth, “At least I can walk across a bridge without falling off! It’s not that freaking hard!”

 

Javert’s hands were balled up into fists, “Don’t go there.”

 

“Do you even know how to walk straight without your beloved Stars? You _sang_ to them, Inspector Javert, you _sang to them.”_

“Oh, don’t act like you haven’t serenaded your damn flag.”

 

Enjolras paused, and his eyes narrowed threateningly, “That was one time. What have you even done in your life? I, as a young student, helped to organize a revolution. You are a grown man with a creepy obsession with an escaped convict. Let us weigh the outcomes.”

 

A pause, and then, “You _died._ ”

 

“I’m a _damn_ martyr, bitch! Kiss my ass!”

 

“I would, if the Drunk wasn’t already doing that enough for you.”

 

No one ever won the argument.


End file.
